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What’s on your mind?

June 30, 2013

Ever notice how Twitter and Facebook etc have this irritating tendency of asking you what’s on your mind? See, that’s not really what they’re asking you. If they were being honest, what they’d really be saying is “Post a construction of a passing thought you had which you misguidedly thought would be of interest to the general public.” One day, Twitter will automatically update for us (it’s already getting that way) and tweet directly from our minds. When that day comes, tweets will cease to look like “lolz i went 2 ma homies place n we did crak ASS CRACK LULZ” and start to look more like this:

– Why did she put sesame seeds in it she knows I hate sesame seeds I told her a whole bunch of times I hate sesame seeds but she just doesn’t listen! Obviously she doesn’t love me as much as she says she does or she would know about sesame seeds. I hate sesame seeds. They’re just so pallid and blerh.

– God I love you. I love love love love love you. Please be with me. Please. God Christ Jesus fuck I can’t stop thinking about how much I love you. Kill me! Kill me with your love!

– FUCK ME. I NEED TO BE FUCKED. SOMEONE FUCK ME. THERE AREN’T WORDS TO EXPRESS THE EXTENT TO WHICH I MUST BE FUCKED.

– I hope no one finds out I just masturbated.

– Oh no, oh no no no no tell me I didn’t just do that. I did NOT just do that. Bollocks bollocks bollocks bollocks my boss is going to kill me.

– Dale a tu cuerpo alegria Macarena… Que tu cuerpo es pa’ darle alegria y cosa buena… Dale a tu cuerpo alegria, Macarena…. HEEEEEY, MACARENA.

– Gay? Gay? I’m not gay. He’s gay. He must be the gay one and if he keeps calling me gay I’m going to pin him down, rip off his trousers and… No, no, no! It’s not like that at all!

– I’m crossing the road I’m on my way to work it’s early in the morning I’m tired I’m hungry OH HOLYSHIT THAT WAS A CAR AM I DEAD?! Okay, not dead. Heart slowing down now. I am on my way to work it is early in the morning I am hungry…

– What did she mean when she said that? I think maybe she was saying SQUIRREL. Wait, what was I thinking? Oh yeah, I should do my homework.

– My life is over! It just is, it’s over! Because of everything! Because of life!

– GUyaaaaah! No one must ever know that I just thought about that. IT MEANS NOTHING.

– I have a spot! I’m so ashamed!

… You know, the longer I write this list, the more I realise people pretty much do tweet this kind of stuff, and in the same stream-of-conciousness fashion. Just for the record, I actually think it’s more interesting when it’s cryptic and disjointed – the explanation is almost always boring compared to what the imagination pulls up!

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From → Internet Culture

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