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The 10 Stages of Unseen Attraction

July 13, 2013

Once upon a time, there was a place in the physical realm, often known as a room, where people with whom one could talk to face to face occasionally appeared, whereby they could see and hear the other, respond directly and  could not rehearse their lines beforehand. They were thus knowable. However, since the dawning of The Information Age, celebrities and Youtubers took over, and attraction developed a very one-sided edge. Here is the typical psychology of your average obsessive. IT COULD BE YOU.

1) Discovery. What’s this? A recommended video, an advert, a snippet of an interview. Optical Express Woman, you are attractive in that special way that none of the people who have appeared on Optical Express adverts posses. How I would like to meet and chat with you and be friends.

2) Uncovery. Optical Express Woman has a blog! She also sometimes helps Latvian children, or something. She’s been interviewed about it and has a cult following. I knew I was right to like her. She’s so great. Oh, to be the one to suck on your beautiful frames… I mean, to talk! To talk about life and developments in laser eye surgery!

3) Brain Buggery. My goodness, there is more media on Optical Express Woman than I had previously counted on. I am not going to stop until I have found every last Tweet, every scrap of obscure material that has ever existed since she first scanned those flashing panes across a computer screen. I know it’s getting obsessive, but there’s no harm in admiration as long as it’s from a distance and remains respectful, which it will, because I am nice.

4) Hopes of Reciprocity. She only has a cult following, Optical Express Woman. After all, she is just a bespectacled blonde. There can’t be THAT many people who are into bespectacled blondes. In fact, I didn’t think I was, until I saw her. Now it’s all I notice. If any woman has 20-20 vision, I’m disgusted by her. Surely if I drop my darling Optical Express Woman a few hundred emails or a comments, casual like, relating to her interests and how well-versed I am in them, she will see that we have a deep connection and many things in common, which will no doubt lead her to wish to have a conversation with me. That’s all I want in life. A conversation with Optical Express Woman.

5) Dashed Hopes of Prematurity. OK, so that was obviously not going to work. I thought maybe my comments would shine like a beacon of hope out of the arseholery that is the Internet, but to no avail. It’s been three days and I have been commenting on her every two minutes all day and all night. If she doesn’t see me now, she never will. Or, what if she did? What if she decided she didn’t like me, that I was a jerk? Perhaps she saw my avatar and decided I wasn’t bespectacled enough.

6) Unfounded Feelings of Inadequacy. But… But… Optical Express Woman! It’s my not my fault my glasses aren’t as thick as custard. They’re as thick as blood. My blood. My blood that I’m bleeding for you and your approval.

7) Unwarranted Projections of Insecurity. Well, to be honest, Optical Express Woman, I think YOU’RE a little too bespectacled. That’s right. Too bespectacled by far. All fancy with your criticism, and you won’t come down off your high horse and try something new, and you take your insecurities about spectacles out on us. On me. I can’t believe I ever thought those gigantic square glasses were cute. You have disappointed me.

8) Continuation of Delusions of Intimacy. Yeah… I know that last comment I left you wasn’t very pleasant and all, but you should have seen enough of me by now to know my frustrations are well-meant. I only want to help you see the error of your ways so you can grow and become a better person, see? You’re almost perfect and I just think I can help with that. I know I can.

9) A Scenario for the Truly Unlucky. Oh… My… GOD. It’s her! It’s Optical Express Woman! In the flesh! What’s she doing here…? I need to go talk to her. No, I can’t… I’ve been stalking her online for months now. I’ll come off as a creep, I know I will. I know too much. I know she practises fitting glasses on watermelons. I’ll just… Just stand back here and watch her for a bit. Wait, is that even creepier? What if she leaves, will I follow her? Will she notice me? Will she hate me? Call for help? Call the police? I could just yell out her name from a distance… Tell her I love her. I mean, love her work. Wait, I don’t want to bother her. She’s a human being SOMETIMES WHEN SHE ISN’T BEING A CALLOUS BITCH no no no. She is a human being, a regular human being who is just out shopping and doesn’t want to be bothered. I should just leave her in peace.

10) Lamentations Enough to Make an Agony Aunt Weary. What was I thinking?! I let her slip through my fingers! I had one chance, one chance to make myself known to her and show her I’m a good person who she would like and I blew it because I was too timid. What should I do now? I’ll never get over it! There’s only one thing that will make me feel better… The Optical Express advert from 2009. Yeah… That’s better. I’m glad I always have you to fall back on whenever you make me feel like crap about myself, Optical Express Woman. At least I have that.


From → Internet Culture

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