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The lettuce shall now replace the gherkin

October 16, 2013

The gherkin, in all its forms, has been praised and prized across the globe for time immemorial. It holds a prominent position in modern schools of psychology, literature and art. Depictions of the gherkin date back to the Inca peoples, who created numerous gherkin-esque figures to represent plenty, greenness and knobbly impalement. During the Middle Ages, the ritual burning of Branston pickle preferers was commonplace. Followers of the Christian faith still hold depictions of the famous gherkin rack around their necks, to remind them of the Messiah’s matyrism, sacrificing himself for mankind’s sins atop a giant gherkin.

As a symbol, the gherkin incites much controversy for various political groups and is subject to rigorous debates among academics. Some believe, as Freud did, that gherkin envy is a driving force behind early psycho-edible development in lettuce-head owners. Owners of lettuce suffer from chronic over mastication and lack the ability of gherkin-bearers to write their name in the snow with a trail vinegar. The undoubtedly crippling envy caused by the absence of this important power has driven many a lettuce owner to despair.

However, lately, there have been protests in the name of the lettuce, proclaiming its unique power and importance in society as a key provider of vitamin C for the impoverished and under nourished in Britain. It is not the first instance of these types of comments, but this new wave of lettucism hopes to put an end to the hatred against lettuce once and for all. Lettucists have launched a campaign hoping to disrupt and end gherkinist institutions forever, insisting that everything from firearms to pencils are designed to cater to gherkin owners and their obsession with gherkins. What is more their pleas are beginning to be heeded.

In a bid to be more vegetable neutral, Waitrose is funding a “lettuces for schools” project to change the shape of pencils. In trials, testers of the new lettuce shaped pencil have reported that, while cumbersome to use, the lettuce pencils no doubt reflect a new equality in the world that has fuelled their ability to write their own names at great speed, far more so than any pragmatic design. Similarly, the United States Army has brought in an order for new shipment of lettuce arms. It was found that in combat, lettuce guns tended not to fit the hand as well as gherkin guns, so lettuce grenades were promptly introduced as a compromise. General Flounder praised the move, stating that lettuce grenades had less of a tendency to bounce and roll uncontrollably, due to their layered structure. “It will revolutionise war,” he said. “I don’t know why we didn’t think of it sooner.”

Most sports have passed under the radar, but there is ongoing discussion as to whether or not baseballs will be shaped like heads of lettuce in order to compliment the highly gherkin-esque baseball bats currently in use. Eric Oppljuice, founder of Gherkin Bats Ltd, said “It’s just a name. Whoever heard of  gherkin that was significantly wider at one end than the other? If I had a gherkin like that, I’d send it back and demand a refund.” Similar comments are being made by famous chefs who argue that, since gherkins are not generally sharpened on one side (which would make them impossible to eat) kitchen knives do not resemble them and should not be subject to radical lettucizeation.

In the British houses of parliament, a debate rages over the shape of the House of Commons. It is currently being carefully measured. If it is found to be longer than it is wide and lower than it is long, it will be considered a gherkin symbol and relocated into a more lettuce-friendly environment. The shadow home-grown secretary Flarion Whistlestop is in favour of the change. She had this to say: “It is utterly ridiculous that in the 21st century, lettuce owners are being forced into a gherkin dominated space, with an overbearing preoccupation with gherkin values and motivations. Steps need to be taken that show that the presence of lettuce-heads in government is being recognised.” She then peeled a leaf from her own lettuce head and offered it around to her constituents. It was universally declined.

If it is found that House of Commons is too gherkin shaped, it will be relocated to the planetarium in Greenwich. It is expected that tourism in the area will sky-rocket, though there are concerns about the number of parking spaces in the immediate vicinity. The Prime Minister, who to the chagrin of lettuce-heads everywhere is still driven about in an old fashioned gherkinmobile, will instead be tunnelled into the House from underground, though concerns are expressed about the gherkin-esque nature of the drills being used. A construction worker who wished to remain anonymous asserted that a lettuce shaped drill was physically impossible, and that anyone who could mistake a regular drill for a gherkin deserved all the emergency dental work that would subsequently follow.

A rehaul of all gherkin shaped areas is currently being planned and should take effect by 2097. It will include submarines, which protesters argue don’t need to be streamlined because they go quite slowly anyway. Train companies have already initiated change; their gladiator-ball style lettuce carriages have gone down a storm with teens, though South West advise that those who suffer from motion sickness stick to the traditional design. Train spotters are up in arms, complaining that the new models are harder to spot. Conversely, the new UFO design of aeroplanes has been met with great enthusiasm in Birmingham and West Brompton. It is hoped that the scheme will be presented further south and in the West Midlands before Christmas, in time for the local authorities to throw in a suggestion to replace traditional Christmas trees with neutral Christmas bushes.

Of all the groups in opposition to mass lettucization, by far the largest is the smokers. To no avail, cigarette companies have attempted to design traditional tobacco cigarettes in lettuce style. In fact, they were the first company to attempt it; numbers of smoking lettuce-eaters increased dramatically in 2011 following a Youtube video of someone successfully smoking a lettuce. The video received 3,000,000,000 hits, believed to make up the entire population of lettuces. Attempts to gherkin smoke have led to several hospitalisations for treatment involving drainage of vinegar from the lungs. “This is why you need to legalise weed,” said Jimmy Townly from GTA V. “Then people can smoke bongs, which are almost lettuce shaped. Especially lettuce bongs.” It is possible that we will see a reversal of views the value of the lettuce in our young, drug-addled youth.

The future is looking bright green and a touch crunchy for today’s lettuce gobblers. Recently, post-modern drawings of lettuce have been the centre piece of a major exhibition at the Tate Modern, drawing a veritable a flock of budding art enthusiasts with both vegetable preferences to the famous patch. However, there is still a way to go; the overwhelming comment of those attending the exhibition was “What the heck is that supposed to be?” 9.4 out of 10 said they preferred the squiggly orange lines on an otherwise blank canvas. Perhaps the world is not ready for this influx of vitamins and minerals. Lettucists should consider adding a touch of vinegar to their cause.

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