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You’re not the only one

December 22, 2013

In life, we tend to be led astray a bit by television and what have you, made to believe that awkward people are losers and those who make a mistake mess up so monumentally there is no going back. As such, we grow up awkward and we think that being a complete tit is something reserved for only ourselves and that everyone else must be getting along fine.

In order to help disabuse people of this notion, I will here list a few ridiculous errors involving some of the most basic of human functions. See if you can spot the ones the suspiciously specific ones which probably only ever happened to me or people I know.

– Clothing –

– Pulling on a hoodie back to front and finding one’s head obscured by the hood, then panicking about it.

– Getting your ears stuck in a jumper and losing your glasses at some point in the proceedings.

– The “I’ve dried to take off my trousers before my shoes because I’m a pillock” hop.

– The “I’m in a hurry so I seem to think that standing up to put on my trousers while hopping around all over the place will be quicker than sitting down” hop.

– Pulling on a jumper and accidentally getting either an arm out the top of the neck hole or inserting one’s head into a sleeve.

– In the dark, mistaking a pyjama jacket or vest for pajama trousers.

– In the dark, spending at least three minutes trying to fathom the puzzling tangle of your own underpants.

– Never untying your laces to save time, only to find your shoes are so loose they keep slipping off, yet the laces are too tight to undo and retie.

– And the best one yet: Getting up in the middle of the night to pee, pulling on your boxer shorts which have magically slid off, finding that the convenient hole at the front of your boxers has mysteriously disappeared, then while scratching your arse discovering a four inch rip right over the arsehole area. Then, feeling two small plastic buttons around the rip and realising that it’s not a rip at all, you’re just wearing your boxers back to front.

– Food –

– Slinging the last dribble of soda at a nearby tree, only to have it bounce off of the tree and right back onto your head.

– Tearing a teabag, rinsing the gritty leaves out of the cup, then tearing the next teabag as well.

– Absentmindedly putting milk in green tea, or mistaking apple juice for the milk. Then drinking it anyway, because it’s tea.

– Spilling some kind of foul substance which according to Madam Internet is best cleaned by the addition of another foul substance; upon application, it becomes apparent Madam Internet is a filthy liar, and thus your house is even filthier.

– Keeping an orange in your room so long that it shrivels until it resembles a diseased pumpkin from a Tim Burton version of Cinderella.

– Elbowing your fork off the table and upon resurfacing, knocking the knife off of the table.

– Somehow elbowing a teapot off a table and shattering it to smithereens. In a restaurant.

– Thinking you’ve definitely got one item in your fridge and buying all the others, only to later discover that it was the one item you didn’t have.

– Opening the fridge whenever you get the feeling you want something and you can’t remember what it is, regardless of whether or not the thing you wanted was food.

– Opening the fridge and staring blankly into it like a zombie because you’ve forgotten what you wanted, shutting it, then instantly remembering what you wanted and opening it again. The unfortunate may experience this on a loop for many minutes.

– With no bread, milk or other essentials to speak of, you figure that for a desperate dinner, adding your remaining half-tin of tomato soup to some weetabix might work. It doesn’t, because weetabix is deceptively sweet, not as plain as you thought. Knowing that salt can help balance extreme sweet, but not in possession of any salt, you add the closest thing to salt you do have: Marmite. The first bite of this foul concoction makes you gag and unable to swallow, but that doesn’t stop you trying two more mouthfuls.

– Misallocation of artifacts –

– Searching your entire house for an object and blaming everyone who dares come into your line of sight for its absence, only to find it is in your hand.

– Throwing your socks absentmindedly into the toilet, rather than the laundry hamper.

– Insisting that you don’t know the location of an item several times before remembering it’s in your room.

– Putting something down, walking about five paces, coming back to pick up the item where you’re sure you just put it, only to find it has transported itself to a different room up a flight of stairs. Or rather, you were somewhere else entirely when you put down the item.

– Always having a friend ring your lost mobile as a first response rather than final resort, usually finding it to be about a foot away from you.

– Ringing your mobile from the house phone in order to find it. Upon locating it and retrieving it, realising you have misplaced the house phone, and using your mobile to locate the house phone. The unlucky may find themselves caught in a loop.

– Leaving the house without something, coming back to fetch it, leaving again, then realising you’ve forgotten something else. The unfortunate repeat this several times, each time further and further away from the house, until at some point they give up and decide to go without. Often, the abandoned item turns out to be one of the most important.

– Directions –

– Getting annoyed when people ask you if you’re sure you know what you’re doing or where you’re going, only to eventually find the question was completely justified.

– Giving people the wrong directions somewhere, realising while they’re still within sight, but not calling them back for fear of looking silly.

– Telling a stranger you don’t know where a landmark is, only to discover the next day that you were both standing right next to it.

– Finding you can’t for the life of you describe to someone how to get to somewhere you’ve gone to a million times before.

– Actually getting lost on the way to somewhere you’ve been a million times before.

– Managing to get lost on your way to somewhere everyone insists is “just straight up the road”.

– Direct someone somewhere, like the station, neglecting to mention that that’s exactly the place you’re currently headed because you don’t want to run the risk that they might follow you or *horror* walk with you. Then you end up sheepishly following them instead, trying not to draw attention to yourself.


… So, don’t feel bad. Be proud of your pillockry and wear it with a grin.


From → British Culture

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